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  • Writer's pictureMarian Mills

Are you Holding onto PAIN...LET IT GO

Updated: Jun 25

Why are You So ANGRY?

Have you ever asked yourself that question? Has a loved one asked that question of you? It's a great question. In a day, several things can frustrate us or make us angry. From the person that cut us off on the highway, to the repeated frustration of not being supported at work or at home. It may stem from a failed relationship that you poured your heart into or an injustice that was never rectified. All of these things can turn the burning sensation, blood rushing, increased heart rate into anger.

Anger is a natural, healthy emotion. Anger can become harmful if we stay in that place or mindset (replaying and harboring over the hurt and pain) it can cause headaches, increased heart rate, elevated blood pressure (Hypertension), and possibly increase or develop anxiety and/or depression. Have you ever been hurt by something someone did or said? Who hasn't, right? When the thought about the event or the mention of that person's name sends your blood boiling, heart racing (similar to the day that it happened) or you feel a rushing wave of heat after a considerable amount of time has passed since the event? These could be signs that isolated hurtful statements, traumatic events from your past, or series of events have now turned into, anger and possibly resentment. This blog is for you.

This blog is intended to help you start to become more self-aware of your emotions and possibly introduce you to ways to change your perception on any situation. First, by forgiving the person of the action in order for you to move forward in a healthy way. Perspective influences your perception. Looking at things in a new perspective can change your perception.

What does your Perspective say about how you Perceive things?

Your perspective is formed by your experiences and can play a major part in how you perceive what is the world around you, based on things that have happened to you.

If your experience in life has had you on the "losing end", like repeatedly being skipped over for a job or promotion or living in poverty and struggle just to live day to day, despite how hard you work. Your perception may become, to worry about everything, be on edge (waiting for the ball to drop) knowing the next stressful moment is just around the corner. You may think, "What's the use in trying, I will never get it anyway or it's not going to do any good!"

You may have experienced a breach of trust, where someone close to you violated your trust, so now you may have developed a mindset of distrust, where it is difficult for you to trust anyone. You may not allow people to get close to you or you may be especially suspicious of anyone that is being "too nice or "overly helpful." For someone that doesn't understand what you have been through, which is sadly the case, most of the time people don't stop to consider why your response is so differently from what they may see as a "normal" response. You may hear people say, "What's the big deal, they are just trying to help!?"

For someone that has been in a controlling or abusive relationship, their response to others and future relationships may cause them to be hypersensitive to yelling may appear jumpy with quick movements, and tense situations. Their perception may be, "I don't want to get in trouble", "I just want to make them happy", or "If I did this...They wouldn't do that...."

What does this Mean?

I want to make it clear that changing your perspective does not mean that you are not allowed to feel the emotion you feel due to whatever has happened. It's important that you work through those emotions of being mad, sad, disappointed, shock, disheartened, angry or hurt, or any other adjectives that may be fitting due to you being hurt by something or someone, on any given situation.

After you have processed your initial reaction, the change in your perspective over the situation is to help prevent you from being stuck, internalizing the reason for it and/or holding on to the initial pain. Your initial response may be to blame yourself, by saying, "It's my fault," "This always happens to me," or think, "they never loved me, how could I be so stupid?" Again, after that initial shock, disappointment and hurt, maybe you can try this perspective "I can't change what has happened," or "Looking back, I saw red flags early on, but I didn't want to believe it." These are just examples and depending on the situation may be vastly different.

This is not to say that as time goes on that those feelings of frustration, hurt or disbelief won't arise, just don't stay in that headspace. Learn to be intentional and force yourself to shift your mind in another direction, away from those hurtful thoughts. If you don't get control of your thoughts, the more you replay those hurtful events or question why someone wronged you, your feelings towards that person and/or event will fester.

Try to practice changing your mindset on a daily basis. Like someone cutting you off in traffic. Yes, it is frustrating, and your initial reaction may be to blow the horn, yell or even curse (if that's what you do) but don't stay there where the frustration of that event stays with and dictates your entire day. You may say to yourself, "They did that on purpose! or "I know they saw ME!" Instead, maybe think of a time that you may have accidentally cut someone off. It's something you can relate to which helps you have a different perspective, which will hopefully cause you to let go of that frustration and no longer carry it. I hear someone reading this saying, but sometimes people are just nasty, and it is on purpose? Okay, that's true but you can still CHOOSE to respond the say way., by just letting it go. Let it go.

What is forgiveness? It's not easy, but it's worth it

You have probably heard people say, "Forgiveness is for you, not the other person" or maybe you've heard, "Forgiveness is a choice." Well, that's true, it releases you from the pain and anger associated with an event. Forgiveness is defined as the act of "willingly putting aside feelings of resentment towards someone who has offended or been hurtful in some way." 1 Corinthians 13:5 says, "it keeps no record of wrongs." Forgiveness is more than just saying, "I forgive you." It's a learned behavior, and it's not easy. Forgiveness does NOT mean that you have to put yourself in the position to be hurt by that person again. It does not mean that you have to remain friends, you can respectfully distance yourself from that person without animosity towards them.

What does this have to do with Anger?

When we constantly replay painful events, we hold on to the pain, become angry and can't move on; causing us to miss out on whatever LIFE is on the other side of that pain. When our minds are stuck, we are physically stuck as well. Here are some tips that can help with changing your perspective on things that are bound to happen in life.

  • Forgiveness will always benefit you and helps you find peace.

  • Seek spiritual guidance (prayer, medication, etc.)

  • Stop looking for the reason WHY something happened. Sometimes there is no reason. Even if you knew the why, that may only lead to additional questions.

  • Take accountability for the role you may have played in the outcome. Sometimes people are angry at others in their life, although they are to blame.

  • Be honest with yourself. Sometimes bad things happen in life come to grips with that as hard as it may be.

  • Don't compare your life to someone else's - trying to mimic another person's life can lead to frustration, disappointment and feelings of failure.

  • Don't look for perfection in life. This can cause unwarranted, misdirected anger. Life is not meant to be perfect. Embrace the rocky roads and view them as steppingstones.

  • Seek professional help if necessary.

Thank you


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